* Not todays actual snotsicles.

It’s been a long season of fantastic weather, and sunny skies this season.  Finally some decent cross weather.  It was 19 degrees and cloudy when I pulled up to Fort Buenaventura this morning.

I have never raced at Buenaventura(that means good adventure), and I wasn’t super stoked about driving clear in the hell up to Ogden for the last race.  With Hamilton, Cobourn, and Riley wussing out, once again it was up to me,the ringers,Wes,…. and the Thurgoods to represent.    Not all of us for Clammy Chamois, but you get the point.

I pulled on a hoody, and spun out around the course to check it out.  Fort Bueno is like Wheeler but better.  I never thought I’d say that about any course, but it is.  There’s pavement, singletrack, grass, natural barriers,  there was even a broken water pipe spraying across the course at one point creating an ice block surrounded by thin crunchy ice.  Mercifully, they eventually got the water shut off so we didn’t have to ride through it.  It was brisk.  Anticipating this, I brought the trainer I’ve been sitting on this week(yeah, I know)  And was able to spin myself warm without the wind chill.  This worked beautifully, and I was actually able to dump my thick winter gloves for some nice thin ones.   So there I was, shorts, long sleeved jersey, and a skull cap, perfectly comfortable at the start line.  And then, it started to snow, and hard.  We lined up, and waited the sign.  By the time we went, there was already a dusting of snow on the ground.  As per my usual cheating ways, I pushed my way up to behind the call up line.  This gave me a reasonable start, close to the lead pack.  The first hundred yards or so were a straight dirt road, with plenty of room to jockey for position.  A couple guys blew past me, which I have come to expect.  But here’s where it got interesting.  The first turn to the left sent bodies flying everywhere.  At least four guys went down.  The ensuing turns had the same effect.  It was like an ill-fated beach assault with people getting mowed down the second they left the boat.  The course twisted in and out of the trees, and the pack started to thin out.  While I was still warm, there was a steady stream of snot, and slobber running down my beard. 

Where we came to the shore of the Ogden river, we passed under a bridge.  Tentatively, I scanned the dark corners for gang-related murders, we were in Ogden after all.  No bodies but thousands of round, baby-head rocks.  Many people were forced to dismount, which made many more people have to dismount.  This caused a bit of a log-jam which shook up the pack a little.  On subsequent laps, it was much easier to navigate without the crowds. 

Then it happened.  I had a little extra juice.  With fast smooth sections between all the rough patches, I was able to not just hang but actually pass several people.  I felt like I was totally killing it until I realized that half of them were the back of the men’s 55+ pack that we were catching.  But still, people were passed. 

All this time, the snows coming down harder and harder.  With each lap, things got slicker  and lines that had been clean and fast before were now icy death patches.  With one lap to go I was, as always, in no-mans land.  Far enough behind the guys in front of me that I didn’t think I could catch them, and far enough ahead of those behind me, that I wasn’t worried about them.  Unfortunately, this caused me to sit up a bit.  Not completely, just enough that I regret not pushing harder.  I know I could have. 

As I entered the last meadow, where you could see the remainder of the course,  I thought I heard the crunch of frozen leaves behind me.  Just then the race announcer said, “Here comes a pack of four out of the trees!!”.  FOUR!! What in hell?  I stood up and mashed, glancing back over my should for just a bit too see the sure enough I had a bunch of snot-encrusted pursuers looking to climb up the standings in the final stretch.  The last section before the barriers, a guy in a Bicycle-Center kit with a long shaggy beard sucked my doors of as he passed and I had no answer.  I managed to gap the others on the barriers, but only enough that I was able to sprint it out to hold onto my place.

Afterwards we regrouped and most everyone had a story about sliding out, or hitting the ground.  I think that was the difference.  Truth is,… I’ll take it.  I got 14th of 42 which is officially, my best ever result.

It leads me to wonder if watching what I eat and exercising during the week wouldn’t have helped me have better races earlier in the season.  I guess that ’s a question for the ages.  I now head into a month-long break before the last-call race and party in January.  I could hit it hard and maybe do even better then.  Of course, I did eat three bratwursts and a box of orange sticks to celebrate todays result.

Big day for Team Clammy Chamois today at the UTCX State Championships.  Not only  did Clay Adair take first, but by doing so became the “C” category state champ!  This entitles him to all kinds of rights and privileges in the state of Utah.  Amnesty on overdue library books, he can bump the line at In-n-Out Burger, and we are negotiating a meeting with Clay and former Utah Governor/Crazy Old Lady….Olene Walker.

Perhaps no one was more upset…..I mean excited for Clay than Pat Davis, who flatted early on and DNF’d.  In fact, as a team we came down with a bad case of DNF.  I was looking for Hamilton in the pack on the second lap, and found him standing on the sidelines ringing a cowbell.  Another victim of the Heber Goathead.  Prodigal Son/Unofficial teammate Wes managed to finish despite flat tires, finishing on his singlespeed “B” bike.

Honestly, it’s like the Thurgood’s are the only ones I can count on.  Oh wait, Brad pulled off a finish in the Men’s C’s then got Tonya Harding’ed on the first lap of the Juniors.  Another kid took him out and Clammy Chamois took our third DNF of the day.  The highlight of my race was the bacon handup on the backside of the course.  I missed the first one, got the second one.  As a long time fan of bacon, I was excited at first.  I did however learn a lesson about eating cold bacon from a stranger when you are already on the verge of puking in a CX race.  It’s not a good idea.  Avoided puking, but just barely, and was still reeling when, on later laps, they were offering doughnuts.  Other handups included hot dogs, and beer.  Keeping it classy at the state champs.

So, the tally goes, one state champ and three DNF’s, it was time to celebrate, or drown our sorrows depending on who you are.

Mmmmmmm Brats

A big pat on the back goes out to me for killing it with the Brats today.  Colossimo’s sausages, cooked in Guinness Extra Stout, then finished on the grill.  Carmelized onions reduced in the same stout, Kraut, mustard.  It felt like I should be ashamed.   But I wasn’t.  When Kerry got there he said he brought a generator and a Hot Cocoa machine.  I thought he was kidding.  He wasn’t kidding.

Mmmmmm Hot Cocoa

Good thing we had killer Brats and Hot Cocoa because it was colder than a stepmothers heart.  The C race was the warmest part of the day.  Each subsequent race dropped at least 10 degrees.  Maybe not the day to decide to stick around for the A race.

During the ladies race something caught my eye.  Somebody was racing in a plaid mini-skirt.  That seemed pretty rowdy, but then after the ladies race, she changed into something a little more comfortable.

Thank you Mistress Julie, may I have another!

To the uninformed(me), this is Mistress Julie.  Yes that is a Bullwhip.  Yes she does know how to use it.  Let’s just say that everybody that raced after the women had a little extra motivation.

The skies continued to darken, and the snow began to fall.  By the time the Men’s A’s rolled around the Heber Rodeo Grounds had become a winter wonderland.  At least it felt like it.

Occasional flurries with a chance of suffering.

Over the course of the hour, the leaders shed hangers on and soon it was just Bart Gillespie, Ali Goulet, and Eric Rasmussen.  These guys were turning in five minute laps.  Conditions made the course change on every lap.  For the most part, Rasmussen and Goulet sat on Gillespies wheel.  Gillespie, who had just returned from the La Ruta race in Costa Rica looked great until the final lap.  Still in a pack as they left the race track for the grass and barricades I wasn’t sure if Gillespie cracked, or if Goulet just hit the nitrous.  Rasmussen was able to hold onto Goulet, and they soon had about a four second gap on Gillespie coming to the last runup  and the home stretch.  It was thrilling to watch.  It’s good to know, that everybody can be beaten.  I found myself muffling my cheers for Goulet(Roger Gillespie was standing next to me). But you have to take your hat off to a guy that has worked that hard to beat his nemesis.

Congratulations to all the winners today,  especially Clay.  But if he ever changes teams, I am filing a formal petition to have him forced to upgrade.

It’s Trouble When There Are “Hipsters Discussing Cyclocross” – Fixed Gear, Smoking and Singlespeeders Talking CX : Cyclocross Magazine – CX News, Races, Photos, Videos.

As I had another less than spectacular showing.  I decided that it was time to talk about my baby.  My baby is a little ugly, and has been known to offend.  Nobody really loves my baby the way I do.  People try to keep my baby down, but like The Swayz’ said.  “Nobody puts Baby in a corner.”  Certainly you’ve realized by now, that my baby is  Team Clammy Chamois.

Last season when we borrowed bikes and tried out the exciting world of cyclocross, I entered “Clammy Chamois” as my team when I registered online.  I did it strictly out of obnoxiousness.  It made me laugh the way a kindergartener laughs when somebody farts.  And I was a team of precisely one person.  I mentioned to Ryan and Riley that they should join my team.  Riley never did because he doesn’t truly love me, and Ryan didn’t because, well…I don’t think he’s ever laughed at a fart.  At the time, we talked about having a real team this season.  The idea was to have a team housed under the “Lizard Skins” umbrella.  There were, at some point,  jerseys and shorts designed, and that was all that was said.  Next thing I know, Cyclocross season is starting, there’s no team, no jersey’s, and nobody else from the previous season that wanted to race with me.  (Can you blame them?)  So I did what any right-thinking loner would do.  I went on UtahMountainBiking.com and went trolling for friends.  I resurrected the “Clammy Chamois” moniker and waited.    After a few days, Ryan Hamilton sent me a private message, perhaps because he was too ashamed to let anybody else know what he was doing.  The offer of Bratwurst was too tempting and he joined the team.  Riley finally relented and joined us.  And soon I had recruited the Thurgoods Father and son team.

At the Heber race, I had a not awesome result, but Wes Rasmussen mentioned that he didn’t know what was going on with the Timpanogos Cyclery team, since it’s founding member had broken his collarbone in race #1.  He said he would like to join and had two friends, Clay Adair, and Patrick Davis who would too.  This made us eight members strong.

Soon after, Wes went over to the dark side when he realized that the Timp Team was in fact happening.  For an update on how that’s going for him click here.  While your there, check out our team standings.  You see, we have a few things going for us. 

An awesome team sign:

A Grill full of Sausages:

And Ringers:

You see, the only good that came of Wes betraying us, was that he left his buddies behind.  Clay and Pat are sandba……I mean, really fast.  The have been in the top five of the C flight since they joined the team.  This coupled with Brad Thurgood’s top five finishes in the Junior category, and some level of consistency from Kerry, Hamilton, and myself,=Team Clammy Chamois ranking 13th of 25 in the team competition.

When the team started, I had no intention of being any form of competitive.  Other than to show those thugs over at Team UMB that somebody else could put together a team that was more about having fun at the races than actually winning any of said races.  But now we’s bonafide.

The best part is having a reason to hang out and shoot the sheezy after the race.  It’s like I have friends now.  Which is cool.

Thanks guys for making us the number 1 team, number 13 team in Utah.

Mud And Guts on 3!!!!!!

(That’s the team cheer courtesy of Hamilton, awesome huh?!)

After the outrageous day yesterday, it was much more subdued today.  Between religious affiliations, Halloween hangovers(Captain Cobourn), and laziness, the numbers suffered a bit. C flight went from seventy some-odd racers yesterday to 33. I had been talked into going despite my financial hesitations by Kerry Thurgood earlier in the week.  With the point system the way it is, just showing up is strategic for us fat guys.  Predictably there were far fewer people today.  I like to think it was only the truly hard-core.  And so we get a little boost in points over those who stayed home. 

Down side to all this strategy, is that those same “hard-core” dudes are, on average, faster than me.  So my 28th place finish yesterday against a field of say….. 74 starters, means I was faster than better than half of them.  Today, my 18th place finish out of 33 puts me on the downhill side statistically.

Still a great day for a race.  Start time for C’s  were a little less brutal because of the time change.  And the rest of the day was beautiful.  Only three Clammy Chamois riders today.  Myself and the Thurgoods.  Brad finished fourth in the juniors, after the”shot out of a cannon” holeshot he got at the start.  This was after he raced with the Men’s C’s where he managed to beat his Dad.  No pictures today because I got lazy. 

Next week’s race is at Weber.  Weber is basically a thorny soccer field.  Flat as a pancake, with equestrian obstacles scattered around.  It favors the roadies and fit guys, so it looks like I’m gonna be hating life.  Oh well. 

The

First, Wheeler is by far the best venue in the series.  Singletrack, gravel, sand, grass, pavement, hell there’s even some cobbles.  And being in the middle of Salt Lake Valley it draws a big crowd.

Second, Halloween brings out the freak show.  The costume contest helped, but ‘cross has it’s fair share of “personalities” anyway, and Halloween takes it to the next level.

Met up with the rest of Team Clammy Chamois, or at least most of us.  Judas Rasmussen wasn’t there.  But luckily, our ringers Pat and Clay were.  Sandbagging is not cool, unless the guys are on your team.  Original member Ryan Hamilton finally made it to a race, and the Thurgood family were there.  Noticeably absent was Riley the sticker man, who was racing in the 25 hours of Frog Hollow.  Captain Cobourn was there with his brother-in-law and sister, and I think he phoned it in with his costume.  Cross dressing at a cross race.  Come on man, put forth a little effort.  At least he tried harder than me, I didn’t do a costume.  Yes, I wish I had. 

The field was huge.  428 people registered for the race across all categories.  There were 73 guys in the “C” flight alone.   The first lap was madness.  I was thinking I was going to kill it because I wasn’t even winded on the first lap.  Then I realized it was because the crowded course kept the speed down until we spread out.  Another flat in the third lap slowed me down a little.  I lost four spots while hitting the rear tire with Co2.  I drug in mid-pack…..again.  Our ringers did much better than me.  Clay Adair got fourth, and Patrick Davis rolled in with some gears this week, and pulled off a second place finish.  Ryan and Kerry finished respectably as well.  With the “C” Flight over, it was time to dig in to the much anticipated Team Clammy Chamois Post Race Sausage Party.  Wait, that doesn’t sound right….uh…. we cooked some Brats.

Bratwurst. Breakfast of Champions.

Champions, eaters of Brats.

 Soon after, the real show began.    The ladies were all about the costume contest.  You’ll have to take my word for it, because despite our prime vantage point for chick race viewing.  My lousy camera phone wasn’t able to catch a single decent action shot.  Or costume shot for that matter.  But suffice it to say, young fit women+excuse to dress in tight/revealing costumes+bikes= a pretty good way to spend a morning.  On the other end of the costume spectrum was this guy.

 

Pat Terry, Costume Contest winner.

 Shield your eyes kids, Pat Terry came dressed as a Triathlete.  Complete with aero bars, and a TT helmet.  The highlight? On his last lap he threw down his bike at the run-up, dove into the pond, swam a few strokes, finished the run-up, took a barley-pop hand-up, and finished the race.  He fully deserves the Cannondale Cross frame he won.

The ever present, “SlyFox Cash Zone” today became the “SlyFox Cheap Sunglasses Zone”, and then during the Juniors, it became the “SlyFox Candy Zone”.  I think he just likes to frighten small children.  Can you spot the Fox is these photo’s?

Before unsuspecting children.

In front of terrified, unsuspecting children.

Ali Goulet, bunny hopping, the barriers on the runup.  I had heard about it.  I had seen it on YouTube, but it is amazing to see.  The crowd went nuts, and each time he did it, he gained a little ground on Bart Gillespie.  Phenomenal.  I really think Bart is a little faster than Ali, but the ability to do that on each lap, gains him just enough to beat Gillespie in the end.  It was a sprint finish, and Ali took it by a nose.  Very fun to watch.

Anyway, the best part is there’s another race tomorrow.  So I better go to bed.