Fat Guy On A Little Bike

In an effort to try and not be in a crappy mood for Christmas.  We sat down and watched It’s A Wonderful Life tonight.  Mock me if you must.  I love that movie.  It always makes me want to try harder at life  (plus my daughter looks a lot like Zu-Zu).  Afterwards, I left the room and when I came back Kellie was watching the biggest loser.   Mock her if you must,….I do.  I caught the tearful, “I feel like a winner, even though I’m not” speech at the end, and when it was over I realized something.  I look like a “before” picture.   This coupled with the guilt of having opened the third box of Sweet’s Orange Sticks this weekend, has me at a personal crossroads.

The two shows have conspired against me, and forced me into action. (That and the inspiring story of Slyfox Thunderhorse) Although the timing is odd, since I haven’t ridden my mountain bike since October, and Cross season is over this week.  I have decided to get into shape.  In case you are wondering, I currently hover around the 190 lb mark.  At 5′ 9″, this  gives me a body shape similar to a Bartlett Pear.  The other unfortunate aspect of my body is my chicken legs.  So now, picture a Bartlett Pear, with Mr. Salty stick pretzels jammed into the bottom. Anybody else getting hungry?……me too.

Anyway,  it has been a couple of years since I have been in what I would consider “good” shape.    It was winter then too, which meant that all riding was to be done in cold temperatures, or in the basement.  I cut out fast food all together and started taking Hydroxycut.  The Hydroxycut gave me the sensation of being on meth, without the pesky tooth loss, and disorientation.   It also gives you a brilliant shade of neon green urine.  Unfortunately,  I believe it has been pulled from the market.  Something about hearts exploding out of people’s chests or something.  Freaking cry-baby, nanny state FDA.  So I may have to drop that part from the regimen.

  As I do not have the will power for an all out anorexia binge,  I’ll have to make due with a sensible diet.   This is harder for me than you might think.  My work has me driving around all day, and I am generally too lazy to make my own lunch.  I frequently nestle into a grease and cheese laden lunch with enough sodium to farm brine shrimp.  My solution in the  past has been Nature Valley Granola bars.  They are available at most gas stations, or in super-jumbo-husky-economy packs from Costco.  While tasty, they provide approximately 10% fewer calories than it takes to chew and swallow them.  And they must be chased with a half liter of water to wash them down.  They are also somewhat filling.  Lunch, I’m not so worried about.

Breakfast on the other hand, is my downfall.  I have in my head, an exact plan for breakfast every morning.  Not the,”part of a balanced breakfast when served with skim milk and whole grain toast” type of plan.  When I leave the house, I either go north,….and stop at Roundup Chevron in Lehi for a 5-6 lb ham breakfast burrito and 44 oz of brown bubbly love, heretofore referred to as Pepsi.  Or I go south, and try to find a Gandolfo’s for a Polo Grounds Bacon, Egg, and Cheese sandwich.(Also washed down with 44 oz, or Pepsi.)  See the trouble?  In a pinch I’ll hit the Maverik for whatever I can pull out of their hot case.   I instinctively drive to these places every morning.  Being a creature of habit, I must find a new habit.

So, here is my plan.

Breakfast: Peanut Butter and Honey sandwich.  

Lunch: Nature Valley Bar(s): Oat and honey flavor.  Subway from the Jared menu if I’m starving. (I’ll probably be starving.)

Dinner: Whatever my lovely wife prepares for me.  I think Slim-fast would call it “a sensible dinner”.

Following dinner, I plan to ride at least four times a week.  This brings me to the other struggle of “training”.  Have you ever ridden a trainer?  Good Lord, what torture.  I don’t care how many DVD’s you watch, what “mix” you’ve got on your iPod.    Regardless of how hard or fast I’m going, after about twenty minutes, I’m ready to wash my mouth out with a revolver.  There is something spiritually crushing about riding a bike and not going anywhere.  That being said, my backup plan is to gear up and head out in the cold with lights, to risk life and limb with traffic in the dark.  M-W-F I’ll ride something for 1-2 hours, and Saturday, I’ll do a real ride, outside in the daylight.

I bore you with all of this so there is some accountability.  If I write an epistle about how I’m going to get in shape, and the next time you see me, my jersey still fits like a sausage casing, you can mock me, or at least I’ll be ashamed.  And shame is an important part of any religion, or training regimen.

My first goal.  180 lbs by Frozen Hog.  If I do not accomplish this.  I will do the LeMans Start and one lap of the sport course in a Triathlon Speedo ala Pat Terry at Halloween Cross.  Seriously.  I won’t do the whole race, because I have to organize the damn thing, but I’ll do the one lap.  I may have to borrow a Manzierre (or a Bro) if my man-boobs don’t shrivel up soon.

So let it be written,… so let it be done.